My Mum

I thank God for my mother. Though she's not perfect BUT My Mum IS THE BEST!

My mum...

She always asked me how i did after my exam, when i told her 'i don't know' she will always replied " as long as you did your best!" and that motivate me to do the best i can (or i want).

she always make sure I'm properly dressed when i go out...especially during teenage years, my clothes tend to be shrinking & translucent.

She always make sure I'm home...curfew? what curfew?

She always come into my room wanting to chat but i'm snoring right there...she keeps talking anyway!

She knows that I'm lazy to eat my apples...she will peel,cut into slices and shove it into my mouth.

She has a chubby tummy...and i always lie that...so comfortable!

She always thinks i only have 3 boyfriends before i got married...hmmn...let's keep it that way!

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most importantly, She loves me and always there for me!


I love you, mummy!

Happy Mother's Day!

Battling within...

Today is Easter...most shops are closed including Macy...hmmn???

Anyway...

We brought Kai to a park near our place...we sat there while kai went 'exploring'. Everywhere we could see groups of people having BBQ, playing Easter egg hunt, flying kite, lying on the grass sleeping, etc...just friends hanging out.

*Envious*

Me & Ian...no friends...kinda sad...missing our dear friends in Perth...wishing we could be there right now...hanging out in South Perth or somebody house...BBQ Aussie sausages & chicken wings...

Friends Vs. Comfort - our own house, lot's of 'our' time & having just enough

Who wins? Go back? Stay?

???

Contradiction.

Have you ever wish that you don't have to work yet have a lot of money to buy whatever you need/want? What about eat/snack + without any exercise and still have a fabulous body?

I do.

I too desire to have an intimate relationship with God yet not spending enough time at His feet...wish for answered prayer yet hardly utter any prayer...long for my family to be saved yet not interceding enough...want to be changed yet not doing anything different...aspire to make a difference for God yet I'm still staying at home!

My life is filled with contradictions!

2009.

New year new beginning & new list of things to do...

1. Be Happy!

I'm human and still a work-in-progress 'masterpiece'. I believe that each of us has different issues to work on at each season of our lives and right now i need to deal with my insecurity & bitterness...

I refused to be robbed of my joy and being ungrateful of what God has blessed me...i tried so hard to do it at my own strength that i'm tired of 'fighting', is time to release to God and have HIM change me! His cross & grace is more than enough and His strength is made perfect in my weakness!

Pray.

2. Join a playgroup! 

Being a S.A.H.M can be lonely sometimes and since I will be having my own car soon i will & i should join a playgroup so that...(i) I can get to know other mums (hopefully can make an influence for God) (ii) Kai can interact with other kids & not just pulling people's hair or using them to stand up (iii) it gives me a reason to dress up and not in my pj or sleeping robe all day! (iv) expand my world beyond home, church, library & grocery store...

3. Make friends! 

Moving to San Diego from Perth two years ago hasn't been easy...leaving all my friends, my ministry, my career, my comfort zone and now so far away from my family in Singapore. I have been looking back and hanging on to 'things' and is time to move on. 

People from our church are great, they are friendly & warm but they are just 'different' from what I'm used to. BUT i desperately need A friend (beside my husband)... someone to confide in when I'm struggling with issues, someone who will hold my hands up when i tired from 'fighting', someone who tell me off when I'm off track, someone who wouldn't judge me when she see my 'nakedness' and someone who will fight with me for chocolate cake...

I haven't been a friend to anyone in San Diego...i hide in my 'world' for the past two year and i realise that I need to spend more time & effort to be a friend!

4. Lose Weight!

I think a large majority of people's resolution involve loosing weight or getting healthy and that includes ME. I gained more than 35 pounds when I'm pregnant with kai and now he's out and almost a year old but the number on the weighing scale is still hoovering at the same region as before. 

I need to come up with a feasible exercise regime that still allow me to eat my chocolatesssss!!!

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Birth ----- Death

I have this fear in me - Baby kai is suffocating while i'm resting and when i'm awake...he's gone! I'm still trying to 'let go' of the fear and trusting God to know what HE's doing!

I remembered i often jumped out of bed in the middle of night running beside the bassinet to check if kai is breathing; seeing his chest moving up & down bring me comfort...and i can go back to bed & rest (for a short while)!

Life is so fragile and no one really knows how many days a person will see on this earth (EXCEPT GOD)! Today we are living somewhere in the dash between birth and death.

It makes me think what have i done in the dash...Am i ready to meet God? Will i be ashamed to stand before HIM? Have i make the best of all the opportunities that God has given me? Have i changed for the better?

i dun think i'm ready at all.

I'm still living in the "if only..." and "I will serve Him after..."; i'm still contesting with all my struggles!!!

what's my point? hmmn...dun know! oh well...

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*sigh*

Awesome = God

"His mercy has no bounds...
His love endures forever...
His grace is more than sufficient..."

Birthday gift = An answered prayer

Ever since we came back from Singapore & Perth, baby kai has been on a new 'routine'...he wakes up so often at night that i basically catch very little sleep!

I'm so exhausted yet i know is not his fault; he might be teething (we kinda guessed) and the discomfort just keeping him up. Now he's chewing & biting everything that his little hands get hold of!

The night before my birthday, i knelt before his bed while patting him i prayed to the LORD to have mercy on him AND me....and you know what, Kai slept SO well & soundly! How wonderful is that.

BUT...

i was awake waiting for him to be awake! *sigh*

"You of little faith, Carol!" I did not trust God to answer my prayer at all and i missed the whole resting that God granting me on my birthday!

I couldn't sleep so i just looked out the window praising God...

Well, at least baby kai get a good rest!

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rem.i.nisce

Baby Kai-en is NOW 5 month old! 5 months ONLY? It actually felt i have him longer than that...it must be the sleepless nights and the round-the-clock feeding!

Despite all the struggles, stress & responsibilities, we couldn't help but to fall in love with kai; we couldn't imagine our lives without him.

There's indescribable joy watching him growing into an individual every day! Each day of his life he makes countless deposits in the memory banks of ours.

remembering...


@ Birth
The contractions HURTS and the pushing takes lots of EFFORT!

Thank God, it took baby Kai-en only approximately 5 hours (since the first contraction till i see him) to pop out! The labor was so quick that our enrollment into the hospital wasn't even completed when the baby is out! *Phew*

Kai was out early in the morning on Sunday (sabbath baby); just 4 hours before his birth we were still leisurely packing our labor bag thinking that i have plenty of time. We were even planning to take a walk in a park near to our place. What were we thinking? Thank God we didn't if not baby kai will be born @ Park! Until the contraction become more frequent & intense then we decided to go straight to the hospital...

when we reached the hospital around 2:45am, the nurse checked me and told me that i was already 5cm dilated!!! Not too long later....

Baby kai was born!!!!



All natural...NO epidural! i'm so proud of myself even though it was rather NO choice. *grin* The pain was so intense that i nearly strangled Ian; i grabbed him by his collar and keep telling him "i don't want this anymore...!"

Nothing touched the depths of my heart as the love i felt for Kai as soon as i held him in my arms.
The very moment he popped out, the delivery nurse brought him to me and i WEPT and the pain i went through just forgotten!

Anyway, we stayed in the hospital one night cos it was BORING!!! It was a BIG mistake...

@ first 3 months
It was TOUGH mentally, emotionally & physically! I thought I'm ready to be a mum after reading quite a few books on pregnancy & going for all the available pre-natal classes!

NO...!

Being a parent is harder than i imagine. Life would be easier if children came with a manual with step-by-step instructions! Got the baby, where's the manual? Anyone? OR even better God to answer every FAQ parents have. He's the creator who's in better position to answer than HIM?

Anyway, from birth till NOW challenges come one after another...it just doesn't stop! Being parents really train one to be Christ dependent and also mold one's character!


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ex.hil.a.rated

Our 3.2 megapixel camera just failed on us without warning during our last few days in Singapore, thus we haven't been taking any pictures of kai since...

We've ordered a new camera from Amazon


and....



It has ARRIVED today!!!! Woohoo.....

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de·ment·ed?

i dun know if this happen to all new parents but i seem to be suffering from dementia; a condition more often than not suffered by the elderly. Perhaps parenthood bring us to a whole new level; the start of deterioration of one's sanity...

I can't even remember what happened couple of hours ago (i.e.what time did i last feed Kai? Left breast or right? Did he feed well? Have he pooped yet?). I tried very hard to recall...

Blogging Reboot

i think i shall start updating my blog...
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I'll start SOON!

Countdown to 2008...

Less than 24 hours to 2008...

Have you achieve what you set to achieve in 2007? i didn't...not all of them, some it was fulfilled, some got side-tracked and some got ditched cos is just too hard.

My greatest achievement in 2007 is......I'm PREGNANT! hmmn...think about it is not really my achievement cos God gave me this miracle. Take two...

My greatest achievement in 2007 is....survive the pregnancy for the past 33 weeks!

I was wondering if 2008 brings new resolutions, new challenges, new opportunities? Or are we rewriting the same 'old' resolutions in a brand new 2008 diary? Are we still facing/fighting the same old weaknesses & habits? Are we dusting off the dust from the 2007 opportunities and making it looks new?

Anyway, yesterday is gone...today is a gift from God. No point dwelling on what i should have done but strive to achieve what God has planned for me today.

i believe to have one goal is better than none...I'm gonna start writing my 2008 resolutions!!! I know top of my list will be 'TO LOSE POUNDsssss BEFORE AL-FU'S WEDDING!' hmmn....how to achieve that is another story!

I'm excited to experience 2008...

what have i been doing?

My previous post is dated September 26, 2007...more than 3 months ago. Wow, am I that busy? Hmmn...being LAZY is the only reason i can think of!

What have i been doing since my last post?

• Went back to Singapore for 3 weeks...attended my brother's ROM (kinda wedding), ate a lot of my favorite hawker food (the unhealthy food), swallowed boxes & boxes of durian, spend time with my love ones (my families) & friends, gained many pounds *sigh* and etc...
• my tummy becoming bigger & bigger week by week and now is just HUGE...the whole pregnancy have been well & smooth (Praise God) except for the first trimester when i feel nauseated at chinese food, the frequent backache now and the 'can't fit into my clothes' symptom...
• We found out that we are having a baby boy. We asked ourselves what we want our son to be and we gave his name according to that. His last name we are keeping it as 'GOH' of course, his middle name will be 'Joshua' meaning 'Jehovah saves' in Hebrew and his first name will be 'Kai-En', 'Kai' meaning 'triumphant victorious' and 'En' meaning 'grace of God' in Chinese. We pray that him will grow up to be a victorious warrior for God who knows the grace of God...
• Preparing for the arrival of the baby...getting the stuff necessary to accommodate the 'little miracle' in our tiny room...
  
• Overwhelmed by the 'how to be a good parents?'...we realized that we will never be ready but just gotta trust in the grace of God daily to teach us to be good parents...

2007 is coming to an end very soon...it has been a trying yet fulfilling year for Ian & myself. We looked back and stand in awe at what God has done...the blessings, the testings, the highs & the lows, the character molding and the corrections.

HE remains faithful despite of our unfaithfulness; we questioned his sovereignty yet He remains patient & merciful...we grumbled at him yet He continue to bless us...we fought with our own strength yet He always pick us up when we fell...i cried He comforted me.

In the new year, we know there's gonna be challenges ahead of us...BUT we can be sure that my GOD will be with us!

I will stand on mountain high and wait in anticipation for the new things HE gonna gives us - the lessons, the blessings, the teachings, the disciplines & etc.

We wish ALL a blessed & joyous 2008!

Socceroo vs Ballerina?

We went for the ultrasound yesterday...drank 32oz of water 60 minutes before the appointment time (0830hrs) and instructed not to empty my bladder! For a pregnant woman, that's a torture!!!

Anyway, the scan technician did all the measurements and check on the baby...heartbeat was 147bpm, the kidney is fine, the baby is 19 weeks, blood is pumping right, there's five fingers, no cleft lip (Praise the Lord), the spine look fine...now the biggest question - BOY or GIRL?

hmmn...arh.....so anxious to know....couldn't sleep well the night before...

and

the baby's legs were crossed during the scan!!!!!! *sigh* We did the pep talk, giggled my tummy, went for a brief walk to the restroom...hopefully by then his/her legs will be opened! No chance.....! Is a very modest baby, refusing to 'display'!

the nurse technician said she saw 'something' but couldn't tell for sure....so still a big ? whether pink or blue.

I will be traveling back to Singapore for 3 weeks and the next prenatal check is scheduled in a month from now. We'll try again then...stay tune & we'll keep you (my dear friends) posted!!!

Keep the guess going!!! I'm journaling all the guesses too...right now is kinda 10B vs 11G! We'll see...

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Countdown...

3 more days to the Sonogram Examination and we'll know if we are buying more pink or blue clothings for our baby!

According to one website...if it's a boy:

• You didn't experience morning sickness in early pregnancy >>> which I did!
• Your baby's heart rate is less than 140 beats per minute >>> is more than 150 bpm
• You are carrying the extra weight out front >>> hmmn...tough to answer this question cos i gained weight all around my waist!
• Your belly looks like a basketball >>> not yet!
• Your areolas have darkened considerably >>> private & confidential!
• You are carrying low >>> i think so!
• You are craving salty or sour foods >>> definitely sweet food! Chocolate & cream cakes...
• You are craving protein -- meats and cheese >>> NOPE! is Carbohydrates!
• Your feet are colder than they were before pregnancy >>> YES!
• The hair on your legs has grown faster during pregnancy >>> Still the same!
• Your hands are very dry >>> YES!
• Your pillow faces north when you sleep >>> What the? I don't know!
• Dad-to-be is gaining weight, right along with you >>> Don't think so since I'm eating my food now!
• Pregnancy has you looking better than ever >>> always look good! But i think so!
• Your urine is bright yellow in color >>> depends if i'm drinking enough water; usually pale yellow! ewee....
• Your nose is spreading >>> huh???
• You hang your wedding ring over your belly and it moves in circles >>> didn't try!
• You are having headaches >>> NO!
• You add your age at the time of conception and the number for the month you conceived and the sum is an even number >>> 28 + 5 = 33 (is odd number)!

So, what's your guess...? Please post a comment with your name & your guess! Would love to hear my friends' guesses!

Home.

After 3 days in Los Angeles & 6 days in New York, it feels good to be home @ San Diego...it seems like ages but it was just 9 days since we been gone.

The first weekends, we were up in LA. It was the first time that Caleb and us were up at mum & dad's place together; dad decided to bring the family to watch the 'Wicked' musical @ Patages Theater. It was a phenomenon musical...love the plot, enjoyed the humor and was enthralled by the set. Highly recommended!

We flew out from LAX on Sunday night. It was supposed to be a 5 hours journey to NYC, instead we only arrived @ JFK airport in the late morning the next day (10 hours journey). All thanks to Virgin airplane mechanical problem and air traffic jam in New York side (the plane gotta detoured to Connecticut for refuel).

No or very little sleep on the plane...thus when we reached our apartment, Ian & I took a nap before venturing out!

Maybe not all parts of NYC but definitely Manhattan = human & vehicle traffic, noise pollution (car horns & police sirens), countless skyscapers, filthy subways...& etc. Despite of all that, we did enjoyed ourself...tired but fulfilling (at least we've been to NYC).

We ate the floppy & huge NY pizza, yummy street hotdogs with mustard, radish & ketchup... we took the confusing subways to everywhere and visited or see most tourist attractions in Manhattan - Central Park, Madison Square Garden, Empire State Building, Chrysler Building, Roackerfella Building, Union Square, Washington Square Park, Chelsea Market, Grand Central Station, Penn Station, Time Square, Chinatown, etc...all within the 6D/5N!

The highlights of the trip are:

cheap bargains @ Chinatown - street peddlers selling imitation branded goods (bags, sunglasses & watches). 'Rolex? Rolex?' 'Prada? Prada?' It was quite an experience walking through Chinatown!
I wondered why some would buy fake stuff? Isn't it better to buy a nice non-branded bag at the same price as a fake branded bag?

night time at Time Square - people are everywhere even at night...the intersections were filled with pedestrians & cars. The digital billboards are flashing everywhere fighting for attention.


watching 'Drowsy Chaperon' musical at Broadway - you gotta watch a broadway musical in Broadway NY. There's 101 musical/ play available in the theaters along Broadway street but 'Drowsy Chaperon' was recommended by Caleb who has watched the musical twice. I was skeptical at first but we really enjoyed the musical. It was funny and superb...
Highly recommended!

time spent with Ian 24/7 - priceless. Holding hands exploring the city...i LOVE my husband!

We visited or see most tourist attractions (only those which are F.O.C) in Manhattan - Central Park, Madison Square Garden, Empire State Building, Chrysler Building, Roackerfella Building, Union Square, Washington Square Park, Chelsea Market, Grand Central Station, Penn Station, Time Square, Chinatown,

Here's some photo we took during the trip:












check out more NYC photo in http://thebeloved2.multiply.com/

Miracle of Life...

My belly is expanding day by day;
waistline is growing inch by inch...
though no one would guess by looking at me that I am pregnant (not yet);
the miracle of life has begun 13 weeks ago!

Every day the life inside me is growing...
I just hope he/she will grow in Christ-likeness -
hand that would reach out to the poor & needy;
feet that would lead people to Christ;
mouth that speak of Christ's love & grace;
heart that is filled with compassion.

I had my second Ob/Gyn visit just a week ago and did the second ultrasound...
we heard his/her heartbeat...strong & fluttering at 150-160 beats;
we saw images of him/her moving about...disliking the 'disturb';
his/her hand was above the head...as if he/she is waving to us;
we saw his/her tiny fingers & feet..at this I was welling up!

Thank God, I know the creator of this child and He calls me His beloved!

"You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in Your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed."
Psalm 139:16

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Cruising.

What are we doing when life is cruising along?

When we're go up the mountain...we pant for His [God] strength;
when we walk down the valley...we desperate for His grace & mercy.
when we reach a plateau...we get distracted with the many 'beautiful' things around us and our 'choice wine' [faith] get diluted!

God, forgive us...!

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As the deer panteth for the water,

So my soul longs after you.

You alone are my hearts desire,

And I long to worship You.

Chorus:

You alone are my strength, my shield;

To You alone may my spirit yield.

You alone are my hearts desire,

and I long to worship You.

I want you more than gold or silver,

Only You can satisfy.

You alone are the real joy giver

And the apple of my eye.

You're my friend and You're my brother,
Even though you are a King.
I love You more than any other
So much more than anything.

Guess What.

Well Done, Shona....you have accurately deciphered my *wink* from my previous post!

Is really hard to contain the good news - I'm Pregnant and car-ian is going to be Parents by mid February next year! For those who knew and kept my secret....thank you, for those i didn't shared with, I'm just waiting for the safe time to announce. God can give, He can take away...within His divine will!

I'm coming to the end of my first Trimester and no sigh of the bulge yet...Jess, i did heed your advice, i took a picture when i first realized my pregnancy and will continue to do so for the coming months...

(No,is not the pregnancy bulge...is just my chubby tummy!)

Ian & I are more than excited...we are rather overwhelmed (the good & bad ways) with the whole thing of parenting. It can be daunting but from all (maybe majority) parents, they will think the joy supersede the 'pain'...

For the past weeksssss...i haven't been able to eat well; i have been feeling nauseated at the sight, thought and even smell of food. Bread, cereal, McNugget ,cheddar cheese & protein choc shake have been my 'best friends' for the past weeks. Night time is the worst, i feeling so hungry yet unable to swallow down a bite of Ian's chicken wing...arghhhh!

Pray unceasingly. i think the nausea-ness is passing and I'm slowly introduce back to food. I'm thankful...

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Suc.cess

someone i know (an acquaintance) is doing very well in her home country; she appears in the newspaper & magazine, she's hosting a TV show, she's directing her own musical, she's successful in the eyes of many and Ian & I rejoice in her success!

Ian asked me "Did any of us pursue our dreams?" My first reply was "No talents...no dream to pursue!" Then as i pondered on it...it makes me think why do we (perhaps just me) only consider those who make it big in life successful?

True success in this life is doing God’s will to the best of our abilities. It’s important to understand that God sees success differently than the world does. He doesn’t look at how many magazine covers a person is on or how much money she brings home from commercial endorsements. God doesn’t care what kind of car a person drives, how big her house is or even if she owns a platinum credit card with no spending limit. All the power, money and fame in the world don’t impress God in the slightest.

Bottom line: If I want to become a success in God’s eyes, I should choose to surrender everything to Him and His will for my life! Joseph (in the bible) is the best example!

Perhaps....if God desire me to be a mum at this moment in my life, I'm successful in HIS eyes! *wink*

God does not lead me year by year, nor day by day but moment by moment...i just need to be sensitive to His leading! Listen & follow Him!

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Reflection (brief)

29. Wow...it wasn’t too long ago I celebrated my 21st Birthday. Time really passes by quickly.

As I looked back, I'm just amazed at the journey I took. Though I’m may not be as successful as some of my peers but everyday I thank God for all I have…the journey HE’s taking with me and the countless grace of God through the years...

I would never have thought a girl (or wretch) like me...
who ain't pretty;
who has so many imperfections;
who hasn’t got much talents;
who doesn't come from a wealthy family;
who study in notorious neighborhood school;
who is a mediocre students;
who never travel out of Singapore & Malaysia (before 20 years old)

Will be able to…
know & marry a man who fears God;
earn & save enough money to study in Australia;
graduated from university with high distinction;
attained a good & exciting career;
travel & see many countries (in the past 9 years);
settle in San Diego, U.S. (Now)

Nothing of the above is by my own but truly the grace of God! "Grace is God's favor bestowed on undeserving people."

I didn’t search for God but HE found me 9 years ago and begins to pour his blessing into my life.

Never one day in the last 9 years have I regretted accepting Jesus…
He changed my life;
He fills my life with hope, joy, peace & love;
He's writing beautiful stories in my life everyday;
He's always there for me (in good & bad times).

Thank you, Jesus!

Last but not least, I’m thankful that I was born in my family. It wasn't perfect but I am who I am today party because of my mum & dad. Thank you Mum & dad for having me & raising me up. I love you both!

My past makes me who I am today! I once was ashamed of my background & past but I realized it uncovered God's amazing grace.

Happy Birthday, CaRoL!

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